What to do.....
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Thoughts

Dear Wonders,

 I read Twilight, a great book, but it seems so much like my relationship with my wolf that it scares me. It has me worrying over what I do not know. It kept me up for part of the night last night, worrying over something. It's like I'm scared my wolf will leave and the book will end up playing out my reality, but then that sounds stupid. I don't know, I'm not sure. This is what I think. I've been in a creative mood for the last hour after even trying to watch a movie and failing to not think of the book and my relationship, and I'm not saying I have a bad relationship, don't think that, cause it's a very, very good relationship. The best I've had since I've started dating. I just don't know. I wanna cry, really I do, but I can't. And that bugs the hell out of me! I don't know anymore. Should a story bother me this much, to the extent of worry, or am I just ovethinking? I do wish I would get some help thinking this through though.

 

love always,

kega_ookami_koinu

I don't know
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: Thoughts

Dear Wonders,

 I feel like I have something to say but at this point in time, I don't know what it is. Well we go back to school tomorrow, and I'm really behind in my science fair project,my geometry project, and my online class, but everything will be ok. If needed, I'll stay up all night a few times to get everything done. I feel like blogging but then I don't know what to say to my wolf. Weird, usually I would rather talk to my wolf than blog but w/e. I feel a creative moment coming, but I don't know if I'll act on it. I think I may leave my wolf alone for a little while just so he can get time to miss me a lil bit. I just asked how worried he be if I didn't get on for a week or so and he said very. I know we love each other , but you have to give each other time to miss the other every once in a while, don't you think?? Don't answer that. Well, I don't know what else to say but ttyl.

luv always,

kega_ookami_koinu

The Broken Winged Angel & Her Fight
Mood:  blue
Topic: Me & Daddy

Trapped...
Like a mouse...
inside her own feelings...
inside her own horrible nightmare...

She holds everything against one person...
She lies to herself, denying that she ain't losing her world
She pretends that everything is ok and
She will always be strong and fear nothing...

A little girl crying in the middle of the night
Wanting...needing love
Recieving nothing but a poor hand of cards
To where she loses every hand...

Heartbroken...needing...wanting...pleading...
Help me please.
Don't leave me here in this place...
Daddy...

Mommy's fading fast, but she won't let it show...
The little girl knows it...
She just doesn't show it to be strong for her mom
And little brother...
Daddy...where are you?

Pain...Lies...
Trust that was never really there
Can't I just end this...
I hate my life...

She hides her pain too well...
The sparkle in her eye has left...
She has grown old in her soul...
She smiles and laughs...

No one will see my pain...
No one will look into my eyes...
They fear what they might see...

He can't look at me anymore...
I was his mistake... his punishment...
His little girl...
He is afraid to look me in the eyes...
He might see the pain he has caused his broken-winged angel...
She can't fly anymore...she doesn't wish to...

Her Heart sings a broken and sad melody...
No one wishes to hear her song of Pain...
They would remember their own...
They show her no pity...

One who suffers within has no soul
or will lose it soon...
Insanity...depression...a broken mind & soul

One will find only their soul if they find it
The one thing that keeps them sane...
The key is near...
the locked door so far away...
To far... for a broken soul to travel

Wishing, dreaming, hoping...
Could this be it?
What will happen to me?
My heart & soul...what about them?

Please.. do not fear me anymore...
I did not do anything wrong...
I wish to have someone...
someone who will hold me...
Caress my fears away...

No one will come forth to stand by me...
No one will take the challenge...
They know it will be hard with a broken- winged angel...
"Too hard for them."
They all say the same thing...

This little heart has offered me shelter...
from my fears and pains...
He shows me to fly again...
Will he leave my side like everyone else...
when he learns the real me?

We lean on each other for help...
with our wounds...
I more on him than him on me...

IT'S NOT FAIR!
She screams.
Why do I have to hurt,
why me?
What did I do so wrong to lose all my family?
They have either passed or
they fear me since I am hard to understand.

He comforts her with whispers.
Rocking her to sleep, he puts a new lullaby in her broken heart.
He helps her walk and feel without fear of being hurt.

He faces her in the eyes with no fear in his own.
She loves him for it.
He wipes her tears away.
She begins to have feeling inside again.

Her Heart begins to beat again.
She shows him she is willing to love.
He sees her pain, her need for some kind of love.

He tries his best to take away her pain and lonliness.
She thanks him for his tries,
She knows he will never accomplish his goal.

Pain and lonliness never leave your side
once they come to it.
It will always be there, she knows it.

She knows the feelings to well...
To well at any age...
She has suffered many a things, but she will do as she is told.

Stay strong and show no fear...
Do not cry...
This is a sign of weakness...
Hold your head high...
even though your heart may be hanging low...
Hold your heart on your sleeve.
There is no such thing as true love.

She knows that crying is not a sign of weakness,
Nor do you always have to be strong...
There is such a thing as true love...
And it's ok to show your emotions even when you shouldn't.

The little girl looks at the light that has been made for her.
She tries her best to fly with him to the opening
to escape this world of hurt and lies.

She doesn't know if she will make it.
She doesn't know what will happen...
There are times when she wished she did know
what was going to happen...
To prepare...
for whatever it may be.

She will hold onto whatever she can.

The little girl has grown while flying...
But her nightmare comes back time and again...
She sheds more tears because of it...
She goes back to the wounded little soldier...

She is in middle of a battle that she won't ever win...
She will lose more than one thing in this fight for peace...
Family.  Friends.  Love.  Tears.  Any-  & Everything.
 
Her Songs bring tears to her listeners,
even though she has found him.
She still has the wounds from the battles
that she had to fight alone for so long.

She tries to lighten her heart,
it is no use.
She tries and the monster brings her down again...

She uses so much of her energy to fight these battles
she has been forced into...
putting her life on the line everyday.

If she's to lose...
what will become of her?

Will she stay with him?
Could she drag him down with her,
in her pain and misery of her Father's so called love.

Don't leave me...not again...
the pieces need to stay together this time...
The puzzle is becoming harder everytime she plays.

Don't I have a say?
Ain't this My Life?!
Damn it! I need to voice my opinon this time.
I will not be forced to live with the final results
of the test I don't get to take.

Damn You!!!
You caused my pain!
You caused my life to be a constant battle of life over death.
Why?!?! Ain't I good enough to be your daughter?
What can I do to stop this pain and lying?!
Does my life have to end to stop this war of hearts?

I warned you from the start that this would hurt everyone
you came into contact with.
You ignored my warnings and you came into contact with me...
FIRST!
No pity have you?!?!
I am a CHILD!!

I  AM YOUR DAMNED CHILD!!!
YOU DAMNED ME AND MY LIFE...
TO HURT IN THE FIRE OF YOUR HATE.

I will not let you take my sibling!
You can't have him!
I will protect him from you till I can't anymore.
I won't allow you to hurt him the way you have hurt me.

I will leave this nightmare.
I will awake from it.
I will love no matter how much you hate me for it.
You can't hurt me anymore!
You've done your damage to my soul.
Now leave!

 

~Me & My Mind~
Mood:  blue
Topic: Thoughts

Dear Wonders,                                                                      2007-01-06

Who the hell ever said I had to only love a white person....what bout that half white??? People think I'm stable....THINK!!!!!!! It's called acting.....but no one wants to hear this. They don't wanna hear that a perfect A-B student wants to cry till she can't cry anymore but CAN'T!!!!! I WANNA CRY SOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING BADLY!!But the tears just won't come, they won't even start to swell in my eyes anymore. I can't even find the right damn song to help me out. I know this guy, hes perfect, evil, crazy, sweet, funny, and mine....He's trying to help me cry, but I don't know. I wanna give up. Wanna know what kega_ookami_koinu means??!! HURT WOLF PUPPY!!! I HATE MY LIFE! THE LITTLE GIRL HATES IT!!! I know my death already...drown in my own tears. I wanna make myself bleed, to feel some kind of pain, take myself away from my wolf, cause myself some kind of pain to make it ok to hate myself. I shield the little girl from hurt, I keep her locked away so she won't cry, not cry to where I'll cry and I've lost the key, I've built a whole shell around her to keep her in the darkness and alone, and I just let her cry....everything I hate.....I LOVE HIM SOO MUCH and yet, I wanna leave...I don't know what I want, I need space but with someone there to hold me, I need someone there, so I know Idon't know why I need someone, but I need my wolf, I know that, but then I wanna, almost, need to leave. I don't wanna hurt him but then I'm too deep into this, into his heart to leave, just because I'm being stupid, I'm always like this, and I hate myself for it, I don't care, really, I don't anymore. I'll just never cry. If I lose something, then I'll just lose it and hold it in. I need help, want it, but don't care for it. I'll just say fuck it for now. But, my wolf, has no reason to worry. I'd go crazy if I was the one to leave him. I just need to do something. I don't know what, but something, I know.

love always,

kega_ookami_koinu